A Bird in Hand

Short But Sweet

2009-11-29T16:28:00.001-08:00

Well, I am moving on. Blogspot has never quite felt like home to me, so I've moved (again). Hopefully this will be the last time, and I hope you'll follow me :)

http://sweatysneakers.wordpress.com

A Silly Sunday Meme

2009-11-22T09:20:00.000-08:00

A Silly Sunday Meme, stolen from Linds

How many keys are on your keychain?
three, I think

What curse word do you use the most?
probably shit, but I try not to swear. If I'm used to swearing it slips out in front of the girls.

Do you own an iPod?
yup

What time is your alarm clock set for?
6:00 on Monday Wednesday and Thursdays

How many suitcases do you own?
a few I think

Do you wear flip-flops even when it’s cold outside?
no

Would you rather take the picture or be in the picture?
both

What was the last movie you watched?
I can't remember but we're been watching Carnivale an HBO show and it's addictive

What CD is currently in your CD player?
my ipod is attached to it

Has anyone told you a secret this week?
I don't think so

What did you have for dinner last night?
pizza

Do you wear hoodies often?
only around the house

Can you whistle?
alas, no

Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone?
my friend Jacqui

What is your favorite ride at an amusement park?
rollercoasters

Do you think people talk about you behind your back?
positive they do. Doesn't mean it's bad, but everyone talks about people

What area code are you in?

902

What is your biggest regret?
I try not to regret, my past decisions have brought me to where I am now... I have definitely made bad choices at times though

What movie(s) do you know every line to?
Lion King, Finding Nemo and Peter Pan

When was your last plane ride?

April 2008

What is your favourite number?
i don't have one

Can you speak any languages other than English?
French, but I need to brush up

What color are your bedroom walls?
pale lavender

When was the last time you cried?
a few days ago

Do you have a desktop computer or a laptop?
both, actually

Which do you make: wishes or plans?
both

Can you skip rocks?
kind of

Who was your favorite teacher?
a prof, Dobrowolsky

what two personality traits do you most like?

loyalty and sincerity

What two personality traits do you most dislike?
self-righteousness and arrogance

What is your mother’s hometown?
same as mine

How many hours of sleep do you need to function?
6-7 but I try for 8

Do you eat breakfast daily?
yes

Describe your typical weekday with three adjectives.
noisy, busy, lovely

Did you ever get in trouble for talking in class?
all the time

What is your favorite fruit?
probably apples

Do you believe in life on other planets?
yes

Who was the last person to piss you off?
rather not say

What do you tell yourself when times get hard?
that I'm strong and I can get through this, that I'm lucky to have the people in my life who love me

Would you ever skydive?
maybe

Do you sleep on your side, tummy, or back?
back or front

What character from a movie most reminds you of yourself?
don't know

Have you ever bid for something on ebay?
yes

Do you enjoy giving hugs?
yes

Would you consider yourself to be fashionable?
when I try, I do alright, but too often I forget

Does it annoy you when someone says they’ll call but never do?
yes

What books, if any, have made you cry?
I cry at the drop of a hat especially when I'm reading, so most books have made me cry

Do you think you’re attractive?
I'm alright

What are you allergic to?
sulfa drugs

If you were born the opposite sex, what would your name have been

Cameron

Breaking Out

2009-11-13T08:40:00.000-08:00

I got the call from day care yesterday. More accurately I missed the call and then frantically spent ten minutes looking for the number and finally got back to them.

Alena broke in full-body hives complete with finger and foot swelling. They were, of course, mostly gone by the time I got there, but they had taken pictures so the teacher emailed them to me. I made a dr appt, for 3:20 that afternoon and took her home. She ate well (better than normal), she slept well and she played fine afterwards. I was debating canceling the appointment when I noticed a hive on her hand, then her arm, then her other arm and in a matter of minutes she was covered again. I called the RN hotline and they told me that if she was having trouble breathing or swallowing to call 911 immediately, but otherwise, the dr appt would be fine. The hives cleared within 20 minutes (like before).

We went to the dr, and she broke out again in the waiting room. The dr scratched his head and checked a website and gave us a big name diagnosis to say that she had an unknown allergic reaction. No new food at home or day care, no new detergents at either place, etc etc etc. He said to bring her back if it happened again, and to call 911 if her breathing changes etc.

All was well, after bath she got very splotchy looking, extremely red cheeks, forehead and arms, but no hives. Today it's been off and on, lots of hives on her legs, and cheeks are extremely pink, fingers a little swollen with small hives. I gave her some Baby Benadryl but it hasn't done anything, honestly.

She's fine, happy as a clam, playing great and active, the rash doesn't seem to bother her, which is good.

I have a sneaky suspicion that it's something she's eating, but I vacuumed the heck out of the house (floors/carpets/furniture), mopped and am washing all bedding and jackets just to be sure. It seems to flare the worst after she eats though. Eggs? Peanuts? I just... I don't know.

Anyway, hopefully it all fades and we never see another hive again, but until then, I'll just be over here fretting and checking out all sorts of various search engines.

Who I Am

2009-11-08T17:21:00.000-08:00

There's something about spending an evening with an old friend, someone who knew me before I was a mom, before I was a wife or even a girlfriend.

We went to a big Christmas craft fair (our annual tradition) and wandered and bought some presents (and some organic chamomile soap for me, delish) and chatted about then and now and all the people we ever knew and life and the future and I dropped her off well before I was actually ready to say goodbye.

There's something about it, being with someone who knew me before I was the me I am now. It makes me feel a little more tuned in to who I am.

The Beauty Myth

2009-10-27T12:40:00.000-07:00

Go read this:

http://www.bodiesinmotivation.com/2009/10/the-beauty-myth/

Please leave comments and tell me what you think.

Yesterday

2009-10-21T11:29:00.000-07:00

Leila has hit uh... a time of asserting independence? A tumultuous time, where she often feels insecure, longing to both stay a baby and be a big girl? Or just a time that no one mentioned to me, a time filled with a three year old's tantrums.

Yesterday it was a fight (a fight!!!!) about which jacket to wear that resulted in screaming and tears and getting a time out. But it's also taking 20 minutes to pick put a soft toy before bed, or dragging her heels to do anything, refusing to wipe her own butt, pushing her sister. And the worst of it is, I yell back.

Blah blah blah but it's sooo discouraging. I came very close to hitting Leila yesterday. Not for any logical feeling about methods of discipline, but because as she screamed at me that she DID NOT WANT TO WEAR THAT COAT I just wanted her to shut the hell up and stop complaining about everything and put on the damned jacket.

We talked about it afterwards and I apologized for getting so frustrated sometimes. I told her she needs to be kind and polite to me because I'm her mom and made her apologize to me and we talked about forgiveness and I told her that if she ever did that again, she'd be sent to her bed for a long time and I would take away some of her favourite toys and she's be in big trouble (a vague yet mostly effective threat in our house: "big trouble")

I was prepared for the terrible two's, but I was NOT prepared for three and all that it has brought. Most good of course, but so much saucy, rude behaviour. I know what needs to be done, but sometimes "discipline" feels more like "constantly nagging" (put your toy away, stop squirming on the chair, don't take your sister's blanket I SAID DON'T TAKE IT, say please, say thank you, say you're sorry, don't do that, do this, don't do that).

And often (and shamefully) the hardest part of all is usually keeping my own patience in check.

42.2 Check!!

2009-10-13T10:02:00.001-07:00

Let me begin at the end:
I did it!!!

Now let's go back to the beginning.

I had an early start Sunday morning (7:30 instead of the regular 8:30, because I knew how long it was going to take me), so for the first 45 minutes, there was minimal support on the route. It had been pre-marked with kilometre markers and there were a handful of cops watching traffic, but the water stations weren't set up that early. No biggie, I had my trusty belt of bottles anyway.

The run was in the Annapolis Valley in Nova Scotia and is very aptly named the Vally Harvest Marathon. The Valley is full of apple orchards and farms, many of which I ran past. It was Sunday, so the orchards were quiet, but there were crates at the bottom of apple trees, old wooden ladders still propped against the trees. The pumpkin patches I ran past were amazing, miles long. And cows that were grazing on the edge of the road stopped to watch me pass. It was simply beautiful.

The run claimed to be mostly flat with some rolling hills, although I would classify it as mostly rolling hills with some flat areas, but nothing too steep, and definitely nothing compared to the hills I've been training on.

I hit the halfway split at 2h45m, which I realized was too slow to hit my goal of between 5h30min and 5h45m. So I let that go. The turn around mark was at about 24km, and I was starting to get tired. My husband had seen me off and drove past me a few times up until about 10k, and I was starting to wonder where he was. Turns out the RCMP had blocked off everything except local traffic for part of the race. Around about 27 or 28km, I saw my girls and husband and parents.

My parents had the kids in their car, so Steve drove beside me, giving me water (I eventually ditched the belt as I discovered it was making my, uh, intestinal problems worse), pieces of my Clif bar and jelly beans. He talked to me and encouraged me from about 28km until 35km, when I told him I'd be ok, to leave and just meet me at the finish line.

Well, of course, that's when I crashed. My knee got sore, my foot was sore, I was falling apart.

"Just get back into the town," I told myself, "Once you're in town, it will be ok."

I can't find the words to describe how long those last five kilometres were. At about 40km, I rounded a turn and saw Steve waiting for me, wearing his running shoes. He started jogging beside me. I broke down. Tears streamed down my face, he patted my shoulder. "Come on, you can do this" he said, "I'm just so glad you're here," I told him.

The finish line curled up into the university football stadium, the last 500m was around the track. "You do this part yourself," Steve said to me. "No please don't leave, I need you," I begged him. "You did all of this training, you've done the whole run, you did it Kaitlyn, Cross the finish line on your own." And he veered off. I entered the stadium (sadly not to a roaring crowd, but a few volunteers and cheering section who still had people out running).

And I ran, as absolutely fast as I could those last 500m. I crossed the finish line, and I leaned over and sobbed. My dad came over, put his arm around me, got me walking, cheered me on. My three year old ran past me cheering, my toddler came over wanting hugs, my mom was crying and Steve was, as always, right beside me.

I ~~walked~~ hobbled to the car, and crawled inside. Steve buckled the girls into their seats and we drove home. I (literally) crawled up the stairs to my bedroom where I laid on the floor and stretched while the tub filled. Then I got into the hot water and stretched some more, got out and crawled into bed. I didn't leave that bed for over 12 hours. We had a "picnic" supper in bed, and then after the girls were asleep, Steve and I streamed tv shows through the laptop until I fell asleep.

I was sore, I am sore. But nothing too bad. I have this weird sore spot on my foot and I think my knee might bother me for a while but it's nothing that matters to me right now.

Because I did it. I ran a marathon!

Because of my early start, I didn't see a soul for the first 16k, then the fast runners started passing me. But the amazing thing was, not one of them seemed to have the attitude that they were better because they were faster. Most of them gave me a thumbs up as they passed, or encouraged me on. All of the volunteers at the water stations cheered loudly, even the man at the halfway mark encouraged me. It was such an amazing experience. In all the 10kms, I've done, I've never felt a sense of all being in it together like I did during the marathon.

And of course, my cheering section helped me stay motivated.

I finished in five hours and 52 minutes (the time on the first picture is wrong because of my early start). I was dead last. And I don't care. It doesn't matter. I worked so hard on Sunday, I am so pleased and proud of myself. I'll run another marathon, I know I will. I know I can break five hours and I wonder if I could even make it in 4h30min. I'll do it again, but I don't know when.

Right now, I'm still basking in this sense of accomplishment, and I'm definitely taking some time off.

MARATHON!

2009-10-10T10:05:00.000-07:00

Marathon tomorrow!! Marathon tomorrow!!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Just Like That

2009-10-01T05:33:00.000-07:00

And just like that, September is gone.

Things are busy, the days go by quickly. Steve is in and out of back shift, school and the girls keep me busy. I'm doing well, so far, in my classes.

Marathon in 10 days.

Ebb and Flow

2009-09-18T08:35:00.001-07:00

Wow, time has definitely slipped by. The girls are settling into daycare, I'm getting used to being back at school, it's already late September, I'm running the marathon in 3 weeks (and SO looking forward to being through with it)... life is crazy busy. I try to keep the house clean, be "there" with the girls, stay on top of the laundry then be "there" with Steve during our evenings together, get my homework done, the list goes on.

There are so many things I've meant to say, about more than algebra, diapers, talking toddlers, but the days have slipped by and I haven't done half the things for myself that I meant to do.

Sometimes I feel like I'm flailing, managing to do things for others and yet mostly missing out on what I need for myself.

I ran 32kms last week, and will run 36kms next week. That's my last long run before the race. Yesterday was a lighter 23km, and yet my body felt like it was slowly slipping, falling apart. Tired hamstrings, sore knees and hips, aching shins, sore toes, feet throbbing by the end of two+ hours of pounding. A bath, some Advil and a big drink of milk later, I felt ok, but was more emotionally drained from a run than I have been thus far.

It's consuming my life, this running. It's all I do. I love the fall, I love running in the crisp air, I love the longer shadows, the smell of the leaves changing. But yesterday was anything but enjoyable.

And sometimes, it feels like no one really understands. I got home from my run and had forgotten to put the dishwasher through, so no clean plates for my lunch. There were no left-overs from the night before so, exhausted though I was, I had to make myself some lunch. And the grocery shopping, and then getting the kids from daycare, and then cooking them supper and then bath and everyone hates getting their hair brushed and then stories and then back out of bed to pee and then again to try and poop and then "Mommy I can't sleep," and sometimes I just want to scream.

I was reading a newly discovered blog recently, and as she wrote about losing a child (shudder) she said that with losing a child, you also lose the freedom to wish your child-free days back. And isn't that so true? Because sometimes, when I'm so very tired, I think about what it was to be 22 and living alone with all those quiet moments, all the poetry I had time to write, all the procrastination I could afford to do...

It's always like this, isn't it? The overwhelming responsibility of taking care of others, it ebbs and flows. Some days it suffocates me and some days it gives me strength.

Sweet September

2009-09-04T15:31:00.001-07:00

There was a time when September brought back to school. Most prominent in my memory is the university years.

Late August would bring about trips to the campus bookstore, pens, extra paper, binders. And then the buzz in the air the last two weeks before classes started. Rugby practice would start up and there was always such a beautiful feeling of anticipation at the start f every new season. It was all new, the chance we had to leave behind the old patterns, the old drama. We could start from scratch, do it all right this time. Of course, it never unfolded that way. We were merely young women and the same cliques emerged, the same team drama, the same wins and losses. But in September we were always full of promise.

Classes would start and everything was so new, the books creaked when being opened, every one's eyes were bright.

Leila and I are reading Charlotte's Web at bedtime and one chapter was about the inherent sadness that comes at the end of summer. The crickets sing a song Goodbye summer, goodbye and though September is my absolute favourite time of year, one can't help but absorb a little of that sadness. The freedom that comes in summer fades as the leaves change, eventually curled by frost and then fall. I wonder if the same feeling exists in southern climates. I bet it does. Things are changing and sadly, slowly dying.

My classes start on Wednesday, but between the insane amount of time that running has consumed this summer and how busy our schedule has been for the past two months, it's definately taken a backseat in my mind. I have all my books stacked in a pile on the bookshelf, but I haven't done any mental preparation to be back in school. A little voice in my head tells me You'll fail! Fail! Fail!! but it's the same voice I've been battling all summer that's been telling me I won't be able to run a marathon and I know it's merely shouting all my deepest fears at me. It's quieter though, than it used to be and so that's progress.

The summer was wonderful, if not too fast. September will be just as busy, and we already have a wedding and the marathon in October. I have a feeling things will slow down for a few weeks before gearing up again for Christmas. We are feeling the pay cut that Steve took when he switched jobs and that proves stressful at times, but our love is strong (corny, I know). Things are amazingly good between Steve and I right now, lots of tender words and moments, jokes and laughs and of course the good stuff. too. The girls are challenging, of course, but a true gift from God as well. Leila constantly makes me laugh with her expressions, Alena walks everywhere, but topples when she tries to run. Each child is amazingly different than the other and yet both cling to me at the end of a long day and although parenting is not for the weak of heart or stomach, one of the best things out of the whole deal is this frightengingly intense need we have for each other. Just us, mother and child.

What is your favourite time of year? Why?

Sick Already

2009-08-26T08:11:00.001-07:00

Alena's first "intro" day without me went as follows:

8:15: arrive

8:30: happy until she realizes Leila and I are leaving

8:31: cries

9:30: daycare calls, she has struck a fever needs to come home

She was restless last night and got sick in her bed. It was more of a chocking on mucus than actual vomit (although still kinds gross) and woke many times. Leila woke every two hours, too. I was unsure about sending her this morning, but she was cool to touch (quite cool... when am I going to learn that my kids are always cool just before the fever spikes?) and stuffy but otherwise ok. We got home and she completely perked up. She slept for 10 minutes in the car but had no interest/need to nap more at home, so I gave her some Tylenol some milk and some saltines and strapped on my Moby Wrap while Leila watched cartoons, half asleep and puttered at housework.

I offered Leila a snack of yogurt but she told me her belly was too sore for yogurt, so I gave her some saltines as well, then for lunch they both had pita pb and banana sandwiches at which time Leila told me her belly wasn't sore anymore.

She had some Tylenol and now they're both napping.

We spent 3 hours total in daycare this week and they're both already sick (although logically my brain tells me we must have been fighting this bug beforehand and plus that would explain why I was so tired the past couple of days) but I'm kind of dreading this fall. Plus the obvious concern of flu remains... DUHN DUHN DUHHHHHHNNNN!!!!!

Health Canada and Health NS is freaking out about H1N1 virus, our daycare has at one point this summer had an outbreak (although mild and have been clear for sometime). And the question remains: to vaccinate or not to vaccinate?

Otherwise my hip is still tight and I am as of yet undecided if I will run my long run tomorrow. Steve says I should wait until Sunday, I feel this pressing need not to miss a long run, but also don't want to injure myself. Because the countdown is on: 8 weeks until the marathon.

Another End

2009-08-25T08:47:00.001-07:00

Once again, we are at the end of another month and I'm not quite sure how it happened, only that it did.

Alena started her intro week to daycare this week (I stay with her for an hour Mon/Tues and then she's by herself til noon Wed, 2 Thursday and 4 Friday). I'm quite impressed by this system and kind of looking forward to some serious one-on-one time with Leila this week. Tomorrow she has chosen to fingerpaint and do crafts in the morning. Three days in a row, this will be the only time this has ever happened since Alena's arrival.

Otherwise, school starts soon, my training and running is going well although the twinges are turning into pain now as my mileage reaches intimidating numbers (29k on Thursday). I've reached a whole bevvy of unexpected events, like sore feet while running, headaches for the rest of the day after a long run (that problem was solved by a milkshake last week and I realized I'm overheating afterwards), hunger pains, and lastly a discouraging tightness/pain in my lower back/hip. Iced much yesterday and Steve massaged me with A535 last night and took today off so hopefully the 29k will happen.

I'm feeling quite old at times and told Steve I was looking it. He asked me in comparison to what and I mumbled, "My 18 year old self..." and then he laughed at me.

Alena's mostly walking, slowly but surely at 15 months. She has huge eruptions of white mounds in the back of her mouth although thankfully the past few days seems to be doing better. We put her into a booster seat at the table because the high chair made everything so cluttered and oddly enough seems to be eating better.(she's not picky, she just doesn't eat much.)

I'm tired and drained and have been making myself eat red meat for the iron for all this running and really, my head is a boring place because all that happens in there is a thought stream that goes: worry about kids, worry about H1N1, worry about daycare, imaginary scenarios that may or may not happen at school that range from absolutely humiliating to absolutely wonderful, worry about money, worry about friends, feel guilty for not calling anyone ever, lather, rinse repeat...

How I Really Feel About Twilight

2009-08-17T08:59:00.000-07:00

Not sure who of you has delved into the Twilight series? I have, recently. I'm reading New Moon now and despite having brushed it off as this generation's Buffy at first, they're all right books. (No Harry Potter, but I'm enjoying them)

There are these undertones though, that have nothing to do with vampires or any other mythical (I hope) creatures.

Bella (the heroine), moves in with her dad in Washington State from Arizona. She starts to makes some friends until her and Edward hook up (he's the vampire). That's where the story takes a dark turn. He is extremely jealous and spies on her constantly. He reads her friends' minds so he can know what they talked about. Eventually, she completely abandons her friends, spends all her time with him and his vampire family and regularly begs for him to kill her so they can be together through eternity. See where I'm going with this?

Thinking of our 13yo babysitter who is a self-proclaimed Twilight fanatic who has most likely never been in love or any kind of meaningful relationship. This undercurrent in these books is now a big factor in how she'll react when she falls in love in, say, three years. This book romanticises a really unhealthy relationship (vampires aside). Girls have a hard enough of a time being bombarded by slutty images as it is, now there's the concern of abusive relationships being normalized?

Like I said, the books are a half-decent story, but would I let my 13 year old daughter read them? No, probably not.

Change of Plans

2009-08-06T17:54:00.000-07:00

Change of plans, turns out a nanny is infinately more expensive than expected. We're off to visit a day care centre tomorrow morning to which I have very, very mixed feelings. Steve is pro-daycare and socialization, I am pro-holding my children possibly a little too close.

Tonight I've been crunching numbers trying to figure out what's been going where and although things aren't too bad financially, childcare will soon be a regular cost again and me without any source of income for the next three years. Part of me feels like I should get a job to cram in my extra hours I have during the day, the other part of me reminds myself why I'm only going P/T... my other job (that doesn't pay cash), the truly important one. But yeah, feeling guilty and selfish about spending spending spending for school and daycare.

Steve's last night of work is tonight for ten days, so hurray for vacation. We decided to stay at home and have lazy mornings in the hammock and at the beach near us instead of the hustle and bustle of packing up (and unpacking) for a vacation.

It's been hot and Alena didn't want to sleep today, finally succumbing to a sweaty nap in the stroller mid-walk and had to be rocked to sleep tonight. My arm, sticky on her sweaty back, her eyes slowly getting heavier and heavier as I gently rubbed up and down her leg, and little fist clenched relaxing as she slipped away into dreamland... so I just stayed in the chair longer than I had to, watching her sigh, eyelashed flutter against her cheeks and all the evenings frusterations were immediately fogiven then forgotten.

I emailed a local church to find out about Sunday school in summer and a local meditation centre. I ran past it yesterday (23km!) and wondered if it was a sign.

Conquering

2009-07-30T08:54:00.000-07:00

When I was heavily pregnant with Leila, I asked my mom how in the world women do this a second time, meaning how do you take care of a child/toddler/baby while pregnant, I mean REALLY? Isn't it impossible??? She told me that the more you do, the more you can do.

And while I'd have to say that my second pregnancy was the single most exhausting nine months of my life, she's right.

This morning, I came downstairs to a messy kitchen and a pile of laundry. By nine o'clock, I had the dishwasher emptied and reloaded, an apple pie in the oven and my third load of laundry spinning away. Then I cleaned the bathroom and swept the floor. And only once did I think that my legs were a little tired today from my 19k run yesterday. I have never been able to accomplish so much in a day before. The work never ends, really, really, never ends. And while I could seriously deal with a little less laundry (the one task that is constantly overwhelming), I think I manage quite well (most days). And I'm proud of myself for that.

Steve mentioned finding a "permanent solution" to birth control and I kind of fluffed it off, as I'm want to do. He is very happy with our family as-is right now. And is very close to being ready to make a permanent move in regards to birth control (yes, I'm talking about the "V-word"). Me? Not so much. Don't get me wrong, I would be a little disappointed if I got pregnant right now, but I'm not ready to say never. I want to get my degree finished and I don't want/don't know if I could handle another baby right now. The girls keep me very busy but also leave me enough time on my own to train for a marathon or to take a ten minute nap while they do... another baby right now, it just doesn't appeal to me. But there's a (sometimes loud) part of me that doesn't feel that this is it for our family. It sometimes feels like there's someone else out there for us. Biological or not, I don't know. I mean, as far as pregnancy and post-partum body and sleepless nights go, that's not what this pull is about. And it isn't urgent, but I'm definitely not ready to say "No more."

The weather's been a little crazy, 35C one day, 18C but heavy with humidity the next. We've decided to take a beach vacation this summer after all, in a couple of weeks and I can't wait. Probably only five or six days, but this will be the fourth year we've spent time down at the same beach and I was missing it already thinking we wouldn't get down. It's actually my favourite place in the world and would love to live there someday. It's mostly cottage country though, but we already have had many day dream sessions about a cottage big enough for us, lived in from June til September. Sigh.

Child Care

2009-07-29T08:18:00.000-07:00

So, I'm going to be starting a nanny hunt this afternoon, through a placement agency. Last weekend when I was away, the girls were at their sitter's for three out of six days, one day close friends watched them (at our house), one day my younger brother watched them and one day Steve was off. The day that they were with my brother was the only day they didn't cry when they saw Steve at the end of the day.

I feel conflicted, in some ways, because I want to go back to school, I'm really looking forward to getting out of the house a couple days a week and yet, should I leave them?

They've been at this sitter for the whole month now, one day a week (save for last week) while I do my long training runs. She takes vacation for the first two weeks in August, and I'm hoping that by the beginning of September, we'll have a 3-day-a-week nanny set up. I think it will be the best situation, for this year anyway. Financially, it'll be harder, but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

I ran 19k today and man it was hot and hard. I can't believe it's almost August and then one more month until I start school (weee!). The days are passing quickly and although I haven't been updating, it's been mostly because I've been busy and enjoying the girls in this somewhat perfect moment in time, my two little toddlers.

I'm runnin'

2009-07-24T10:10:00.001-07:00

Leila: I'm runnin' I'm runnin I'm runnin' here I come mommy I'm runnin!!!

THUD

.......... I'm OK!!! I just tripped over Alena!! I'm still comin'!!!!

Allow myself to introduce.... myself

2009-07-22T15:03:00.000-07:00

Ch-ch-ch-check it out!

http://www.bodiesinmotivation.com/2009/07/introducing-blood-sweat-sneakers/

I'll be adding a linky-link on my sidebar, so please, come over often!

Blood, Sweat and Sneakers

2009-07-14T17:24:00.000-07:00

I've been using that Gather blog for a few months now and while it's a good outlet (I guess) I never get any comments and I don't think it gets many reads.

So, soon, I'll be a regular blogger over at Bodies in Motivation. I'm thinking Blood, Sweat and Sneakers for the title, and it will be focused on the training for my first marathon and all that that entails.

More later because I have to iron and pack and tomorrow is another 16k run and I feel like I have a million things to do before Thursday morning when I head on out to Vancouver!!!

(I'll keep you posted about the new blog)

There will come an answer, Let It Be

2009-07-13T08:56:00.001-07:00

So the concert was amazing and I have a million thoughts about it, about music and generations and what the world needs but now's not the time I suspect.

The big news is that despite my mom's injury (and thus me losing a babysitter), we've found care for the girls and I'm still going to Vancouver on Thursday morning for a long weekend. I'm two parts excited, one part scrambling to find an excuse to not go because oh my babies. Ahem.

Steve and I were talking yesterday about how lucky we are, how blessed in every aspect of life. We have each other, we have healthy children, we have a roof and enough money for food and to pay the bills, not to mention the extras, like trips away and summers on the beach and the cell phones we want, etc etc etc. And this reocurring question always comes back of what we should do to help others. He said he didn't know where to begin. And I said that you have to find what matters to you (children, literacy, environment, animals, religion, water, poverty...) and start there. Anyway, long story short, I've decided to fundraise for the Children's Wish Foundation (www.childrenswish.ca/index_2007.php/en/welcome) during my marathon training. I'll most likely make the donation to the Nova Scotia Chapter of the organization.

That charity in particular has always held a special place in my heart. My cousin was very very sick as a young boy and ended up wishing to go to Disney World. I'll never, ever, in my life forget the big picture of him bald and small in a wheelchair, his older brother with Pooh and Tigger that was on his bedrom wall for years. It wasn't until I was much older that I realized those whises are given to terminally ill kids. Luckily, my cousin survived. Instead of gifts at our wedding, we made a donation to the Children's Wish Foundation.

Now, thinking about that organization as a mother of two young chilren (not very much younger than my cousin was when he first got sick), I see it from a different perspective. I can't imagine the soul-ripping-heartache of sitting beside your child's hospital bed. I can't imagine the strength that the parents of sick children are forced to find. There is no doubt in my mind that they find it, because you do what your children need, no matter what. But as much as it means to the children who are granted wishes, I can't imagine what it means to their parents.

I'm going to make a group on Facebook once I get the information from the Foundation for those of you who I have as my friends there, and I'll be sending out emails to approximately every single person I know asking for donations, and for you, anyone who read, if you're interested in making a donation, please let me know (and remember that donations of more than $20 are tax deductable, so not only will Karma repay you, but so will Stepen Harper!!)

So right now the girls are sleeping, I'm drinking my tea and this afternoon we're headed t the bookstore to get mama some new reading materials for my flights. Any suggestions?

Give Peace a Chance

2009-07-12T04:16:00.001-07:00

Moving Moment: 60,000 people singing together All we are saying, is give peace a chance.

I went to a Paul McCartney concert last night and it was, in a word, amazing.

More later.

Taking Flight

2009-07-10T04:07:00.000-07:00

My mom fell down a flight of stairs two days ago. Long story short, she's fairly lucky to be alive but has broken her foot. Had surgery last night and is the type of break that will cause "long-term cronic problems." Ankle being fused in a year is an option, but for now, she's laid up in the hospital for a couple days, and in a cast on crutches for at least 12 weeks.

Could have been so, so much worse. Could have been a back or a neck instead of a foot. But there's something about seeing your mom come out of surgery, groggy, lips still shaking from the shock and looking so... fragile that brings you face to face with the fact that they won't be here forever.

Anyway, I'm really tired today and a list as long as my arm of things to do, including finding someone to look after the girls when I'm in Vancouver next week. More later at nap time I hope. And go say congrats to Alice! She just had a healthy baby boy. :)

Sober Second Thought

2009-06-29T07:39:00.000-07:00

I've been going back to that last post, ready to hit the delete button. But I didn't. Because it is what it is, somedays I feel that way. Somedays I don't, but I guess deleting it seems almost like pretending those feelings aren't there.

It's a horrible rainy day, the girls went down for an early nap so I could get downtown to campus and register for some courses this afternoon. Then I realized that my online registration actually worked so now we don't need to go at all. Which will make for an even longer afternoon, since they'll wake very early. We'll need to find something to do.

We're having what was meant to be a small BBQ on Canada Day, but it's turned into 20-25 people, plus some children. I'm actually really looking forward to it and I love having people over. I'm just hoping that the rain holds off because we do NOT have room for 30 people in our house!

I ran 13kms a few days ago and while it was horribly muggy and a really REALLY hard run, it left me on a runner's high for days. I wanted to go today (I love running in the rain( but Alena was really cranky and Leila keeps saying she feels warm and has a belly ache, so I didn't think it was a good day to head to leave them at the gym daycare. If their immune systems are compromised, I try to keep the days very quiet and restful with lots of berry snacks and fluids. Alena had a mild cold this weekend and she was so miserable with the pathetically runny nose and really cranky. She seems to have shaken the worst of it. I felt horrible, too. Saturday when the girls napped, I fell asleep for almost 2 hours (I NEVER sleep like that during the day). We went out Saturday night and so were up until midnight but then Alena was awake at 5.30am on sunday. At 8.30 I made Steve get up so I could go back to bed because I couldn't keep my eyes open (literally). I slept for an hour and then had another nap when the girls did, and then was in bed by 10 last night. I hate feeling exhausted like that, because even the smallest things completely overwhelm me (like running out of propane for the BBQ). Anyway, I feel better today, and I think Alena does too (although she completely dropped her morning nap today). The point of this whole ramble is that we lay pretty low when the girls are even slightly under the weather. I am convinced that this is part of the reason we don't get sick too much.

The kettle is calling my name, though, so I'm off for some tea. I am going to write an entry about cloth diapers soon, for those interested. My reviews and stuff, so stay tuned :)

Heart to Heart

2009-06-26T16:16:00.000-07:00

The days start out good, usually. At least by the time everyone is fed, Steve's on his way to work and I'm sipping at my tea, it's good. And then there's usually cartoons for Leila while Alena naps, sometimes the gym, sometimes errands, sometimes just play or reading books. Laundry, making the beds, getting lunch, feeding lunch and then naptime. I rest then, too, or play on the internet or take a bath or do the laundry.

And the afternoon is often getting out of the house to go somewhere, the grocery store, or the park, or even just for a drive, because I hate the afternoon. The afternoon is long, and I'm tired and cranky and the laundry's not done and even though I cleaned the kitchen it's dirty again and the girls are never as patient as they are in the morning and my god, if only someone would come over to break this pattern of a slowly ticking clock.

A few nights ago, I curled under a blanket on the couch and sobbed. Steve pulled my head onto his lap and we talked for a long, long time. And we talked about all these thoughts that run through my head and how there seems to be so much anger.

I'm scared, deep down that things aren't ok. That they've been slowly shifting and now here I am, 28 and married with two kids and I can't even bear to look at myself in the mirror most days. My three year old asked me the other day, "Why are you being not nice to me?" And if that's not enough to crush you where you stand, what is?

I told Steve that I think getting out of the house and getting back to school will be good, will make me feel better. He said, "That isn't the answer, Kaitlyn. What you're looking for isn't on campus. It's inside of you."

And I thought, but that's such a scary place to have to search.

He asked me what I thought, when I got angry, what I'm doing that makes me feel that way. And god, it could be anything. But once the thoughts come, they can't stop.

I'm so inferior. I'm so ugly. I'm so fat. I'm worthless. I hate myself.

I don't want to be that person. I don't want to be that mother to my girls. I don't want to be that wife.

But how do I fix it? Where do I even start?

Choosing Sides

2009-06-17T16:44:00.000-07:00

Leila is wonderful. She is smart. She talks my ear off everyday, and when I question where she learned something (like that some people live in igloos) she tells me, "I just learned it myself." You've never met a kid who likes books more, I swear. She's becoming a really fast runner, surprised herself the other day when she discovered she could stand on one foot. When she woke up this morning after the babysitter had put her to bed last night, the first thing she did was run to me for a hug.

She makes this horrible throat noise that I guess is whimpering when she doesn't get what she wants. She constantly makes demands. Get me milk! Wipe my butt! GIVE ME MY BLANKET! I threaten time-outs a million times a day, she gets about two per week. She collapses onto the floor in desperation when lunch isn't what she had hoped for, refuses to the point of vomiting to eat vegetables and asks for bites of my carrot sticks only to spit them out.

I think Alena was born smiling. She has this perfectly shaped little face, dimple in left cheek and chin. When she's really happy she'll scrunch up her entire face and breathe quickly out of her nose. She's agile like her dad. I've seen her roll off the couch, twist herself and land on her feet and she can't walk yet. When I hug her, she wraps her little arms around my shoulder and pats my back.

When I tell her no, she screams like she's in mortal pain, I kid you not. She flings food off her highchair tray in anger before she's even tried it. She wants ANYTHING of Leila's. She plays too rough. She screams and kicks every time I change her, but she'll sweetly lift her feet for me when it's time to put socks on. She only has two volume levels: LOUD and OFF. Guess which one she prefers?

Sometimes, when Alena's screaming her fool head off about something (like not being allowed to play with the recycling) and I look at Leila who's calmly reading a book on the couch and think how much easier three-year-olds are. And sometimes, when Leila has asked me Why???? 30 times and it's not even 7:30 and she has rejected any form of food I've suggested to eat that morning and won't let me sit in peace to drink of cup of tea (which I actually need to survive), i think, Man, I miss your morning nap.

But most days, most of the time, when I get patted on the back during a hug, or when I read books and Leila tells me out of the blue that elephants live in the jungle, you know, and they're really big and drink water from their trunks, I smile to myself and wonder how in the world I ever got so lucky.

Getting Out of the House

2009-06-17T03:48:00.000-07:00

Our babysitter came over last night at 6:30. We ended up taking the "better" way to the golf course, which resulted in taking 40 minutes to get there (although it was a really pretty drive). I'm miserable at golf, and Steve just mainly wanted to hit a few balls with his new clubs and there was not another soul on the course and the guy at the pro-shop let us go for free. So we hit some balls and lost them all and it was the funnest date we've gone on in a long, long time.

I find it hard to find new things to do, we always end up going to the movies. But being outside in the evening sunshine just me and Steve, laughing and talking about nothing to do with the kids or his job or my body image or in-laws, out-laws, WHATEVER. All we talked about was clubs and balls and holding the clubs and laughed at each other's horrible shots and cheered for each other's good shots and when Leila ran to give me my morning hug today, somehow the day seemed much brighter.

Mish Mash

2009-06-16T08:07:00.000-07:00

The return of my period has resulted in the world's LONGEST period EVER. SIGH. even Steve asked me, "Isn't it finished YET?"

Yesterday was finger painting in the kitchen and a run and a walk with the stroller. Today is scrubbing the house, tomorrow is my parent's house again to spend time with my friend before she heads back to England.

Saturday is a kid's race Leila is running in, Sunday my 10k and Steve's half marathon.

Tonight is a golf date. I've played golf four times in my life. And that was four years ago. But I'm excited anyway (to yell at that little ball...)

Bath is running, girls are sleeping. Post nap includes glitter-gluing our finger paintings from yesterday and sweeping/vacuuming the floors. And of course, supper. Possibly haircuts. Definitely sunshine and the babysitter putting the girls to bed.

Creepy

2009-06-15T04:05:00.000-07:00

MVA on Saturday night took the life of a boy I know. Family doctor's son, a year younger than me.

3 Years

2009-06-14T05:03:00.001-07:00

Happy birthday Leila. My sweet angel babe, I can't believe you're three.

Facing the Situation

2009-06-11T08:26:00.000-07:00

I'm headed down to the wake tonight, for my good friend's father. When Steve gets home from work, I'm leaving and will come home tomorrow sometime after the funeral.

I called her yesterday and she could barely speak. Asked me if I was coming and when I told her yes, she asked to come over after the wake. I hung up the phone and cried.

When my aunt died, nine years ago, not one person who I consider a close friend came to the wake. Not one. It was hurtful at the time. Obviously, I'm over it but I remember how it felt, to watch people come through the door for my mother, my brothers, my cousins, but no one for me. I fell into my friend's mom's arms (the same woman who just lost her husband) because she was the person I felt the closest to who showed up.

Anyone who has been on the receiving end of a wake knows how much it means when people come. It's so hard to do, but as my mom once told me, "We don't do this for ourselves."

I'm dreading tonight. And tomorrow. But the part that makes me more sad? That my dear friend and her family can't just walk away like I will. There have been moments when it's hit me again, I can't believe he's gone. I spent so much time in that house when I was growing up, they were like a second family to me for a lot of years. He was the same age as my grandmother (65), but when I lost her I was only 14, and 65 seemed so much older then.

I don't give out advice a lot, but I would say to anyone in a similar situation. Make the phone call. Go to the wake. Stay afterwards for tea. You have no idea how much it means until you're in the situation.

But tomorrow it's all over. And my dear friend's father is gone forever. And his wife is now a widow. As my dad said, it's not a bad way to go. Gardening with your dog one day, gone the next. But the ripples have created waves, and it takes such a long damn time for those waves to lessen.

Hello Old Friend

2009-06-11T08:02:00.000-07:00

Well, holy crap.
I just got my period. First since 2005.

Life's Unexpected Turns

2009-06-09T04:03:00.000-07:00

Last month, Steve went to the annual Manager's Conference. A big to-do. There were leisure activities. And one of the store managers (43) had a heart attack after go-carting. Was dead before the ambulance arrived on scene.
Two weeks ago, I found out a childhood friend's father had been admitted to hospital three weeks prior to discover his body was riddled with cancer and was given days to live. He hung on for three weeks. He was my first soccer coach. He came to my parents' Christmas parties, drove me to choir practice, school dances...
And last night, one of my best friends, one of my bridesmaids... her dad stood up in the middle of the night, told his wife something wasn't right and died. My mom went for a walk with him two days ago.
All of them, just like that.
I'm so sad for all of them, because life is so fragile.
There's nothing to say, there's nothing to do. But it's scary, and sad, because just like that, life's forever changed.

Powerful Beyond Measure

2009-06-05T03:25:00.001-07:00

There's a million things to complain about in a day. Steve just told me I should have vaccuumed the car out last night after the trip to the dump instead of telling him I couldn't put the car seats back in and making him switch with me today. And I'm always tired. I mean, beyond tired. It's this deep ingrained fatigue that never abates for more than a few hours at a time and it feels like it will *never* go away. It feels like my interests and goals are the ones that get pushed to the bottom of the pile (didn't get to go for my run yesterday). I'm the only one who cleans toilets or does laundry. The list goes on.

I'm trying to be more positive. Yes, Alena wakes at 6:00 every morning (if not earlier). But Leila doesn't. So I have 45 minutes to start each morning to spend alone with Alena. We roll a truck back and forth, look out the window, cuddle, giggle. So, I could spend that time thinking about how comfortable my bed would be, or I can enjoy Alena.

"There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you." That's from Nelson Mandela's inaugural speach. I've been trying to tell myself that everyday. I'm trying to be more confident, and not feel ashamed of that. I am strong and fit. I am smart. That doesn't take away from anyone else, but letting myself believe these things makes me a better person, friend, wife, mother.

Do you know that up to 70% of women are currently trying to watch what they eat in order to lose weight. Does that number not seem ridicilously high? I was looking at myself in the mirror the other day after my shower, lamenting my stomach skin, my saggy breasts, every little thing I'd like to change, ignoring the compliments Steve always gives me, ignoring the fact that I ran 30kms this week, that I can do 30 push ups.

The problem is, as the number on the scale changes (in either direction), the problems aren't fixed. It isn't about the number and it isn't about the size. It's about what we tell ourselves, what that voice inside says.

"Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us."

Daycare

2009-06-03T08:11:00.000-07:00

I found a daycare for the girls today. "Daycare" it's actually a woman watching kids out of her home. Originally, I was very pro-center, and didn't think that I wanted my kids in someone's house. As we looked around at the local centres, I started to realize that a big comfort for me was knowing that even if the transition was hard on either girl, they would have each other. Except not, because day cares keep different age groups so separated that the girls wouldn't see each other all day. And that was bothering me. Less with Leila, because she's done it before, but something about the thought of Alena upset and not having her sister there... I don't know. I mean, Leila did it, and kids attach so quickly to their caregivers but it just wasn't sitting right.

So through the grapevine I attained this woman's number and we went to check it out today. There's a handful of other kids there, and Leila seamlessly joined in their play for the half hour we were there. Two cats, two old dogs, two bunnies outside. I won't go into details other than to say that there were serious positive and loving vibes in the house. They start July 8, for one day a week (time for me to get my long training runs in and some course work for my online class) and then September two days a week. The caregiver was concerned that Alena would find one day a week disruptive, so we agreed to give July a try and then up it to two the last two weeks of August if need be (she takes vacation the first two).

Now the girls are fed and down for a nap, Steve won't be home until late tonight, so bath night falls on my shoulders. Post nap there will be a cartoon and a promised walk to the park. I had the grandest intentions for nap, but have decided instead to maximize on it and rest my weary bones.

Frusteration

2009-06-02T03:39:00.000-07:00

Steve and I got into a fight last night. About a baby bottle. He was too tired to make it and went to bed. I flipped out and lost my temper and we ending up fighting (which we RARELY do, I can't even remember the last time) and uhhhh.
I slept restlessly at best and will spend the rest of the day feeling unsettled.
Went for a 5:30 run this morning, and the red behind the clouds, the cool air, the amazingly quiet streets, it was wonderful. I may make it a once-weekly event.

Goals

2009-05-29T08:12:00.000-07:00

Post Mania, I know.

But, here is the skinny on me:

I need a goal, in everything. If there's nothing for me to prepare for, I flounder. I strived with WW and did great. I trained for my half marathon through the winter and was proud of myself for completing the run and achieving my PB for a half. And now I'm all blaaahhhhhh and can't motivate myself because 10k, sure it'll be good and 1/2 marathon in the fall, SIGH been there and well... I decided last night that I'm going to run a marathon.

October 11, 2009.

Same rules and goals apply as to my Hypothermic Half.
1.) No goal time, my only goal is to cross the finish line. (Sure, I have a loose time in my head, but it's not the focus).
2.) I will not push through serious injury to get to this race. If it gets to the point where completing the training or running the race will cause injury to myself, I'll walk away from it.
3.) I'm staying relaxed about the training, upping my kms every Sunday. 10% a week. I'll miss a long run here and there, but come August, my kms should be pretty high and I think I'll have a good sense then if the race will happen or not.

Four runs a week (I'll burn out if I do more), which means I ditch my weekly strength training class due to lack of time. I'll throw in some push ups and abs after my shorter runs and that should be ok. I'm still going to go back to WW. Although WW is an awesome program and I would recommend it to anyone, I found that it wasn't that great to do in conjunction with long distance running. The points were fine, but I got slack from the people weighing me about "using" my activity points. What they didn't seem to understand was that 40+kms a week and I needed to eat almost all the time. Also, there's a big difference between walking your dog for 40 minutes to get 2 extra points (not dissing, just comparing) and running for more than two hours, maxing out on activity points on the tracker and really, needing some serious carbs. So anyway, I'll stick it out for a while (am actually considering becoming a leader, but different blog post) until my kms get up and then make my decision.

So. That's that. Tomorrow is my first long run, and I'm aiming for 12kms.

Wish me luck :)

Eating Habits

2009-05-28T15:05:00.000-07:00

On a different note:
I gave up meat this week, all kinds. Although not animal by-products. Michelle asked me to post recipes and though there's nothing especially delicious, I'll talk about how it's going so far.

(this doesn't include snacks)
Monday:
breakfast: raisin bran with skim milk for breakfast with half a banana
lunch: five bean minestrone Campbell's Heathy Choice soup for lunch
supper way chicken stir-fry so instead of frying the veggies and chicken in the same pan, I cooked them separately and combined the meat and veggies on the plates. instead of chicken on mine (we eat skinless boneless breasts mostly) I topped it with a Yves Veggie Cuisine chicken substitute, and let's just say that I won't be getting those again. Seriously, I couldn't even stomach the smell, it was horrible. So after a bellyful of rice and veggies with no protein, I was a little discouraged (and hungry again by 8)

Tuesday:
breakfast: raisin bran with skim milk for breakfast
lunch: I think I may have skipped lunch entirely and then filled up on cookies at about two thirty... oops!
supper: a regular meal of ours: pan friend burger, mix in various veggies (usually green pepper, grated carrot, onion, whatever is in the fridge basically), dump in previously cooked noodles of some shape (usually macaroni) and a jar of tomato sauce (it's our "noodle dinner")
I made two different pans, instead of hamburger in mine, I fried Yves Ground tofu. It was good, and even though I *always* buy extra lean ground beef, I couldn't believe how much grease came off the beef in comparison to the tofu (which had none). It was good, too, I'd definitely have that again.

Wednesday:
breakfast: toast with pb
lunch: Heinz brown beans in tomato sauce (LOVE these)
supper: veggie omelet with whole wheat toast

Thursday:
breakfast: raisin bran with milk
lunch: Heinz brown beans in tomato sauce
supper: Steve's working tonight so I didn't really make anything. The girls had left-over "Noodle dinner" and I had a huge salad with a side of chic peas and cottage cheese mixed together

So, my conclusion this far is that I'm not ready to give up chicken, but will probably ditch pork and definitely beef for a while. It's only been my suppers that have changed at all, as I cut back to only one meat serving a day quite a while ago. Chic peas are something I'm trying to get into, as I love hummus and think that once I get over the texture thing, I'll really enjoy them. That said, next time we do stir fry, I think I'll throw the chic peas in as my source of protein. It might be quite tasty.

Giving up meat is changing your mindset about eating. Because we eat meat for supper, the focus is aways on the meat, regardless of how many hearty veggies we have beside. So I need to increase my recipe repertoire and find recipes that are easy to make meat-free versions. As I said, Steve won't leave meat behind. The girls are flexible and I know they would eat a tofu version of noodle dinner, but chic peas? I don't think so.

My concern is protein (oh, I know there's lots available). And that when I get really hungry, it's hard to turn away from the stuff I know tastes good and is satisfying. That said, I mentioned I'm headed back to WW on Tuesday, which will bring more serious meal planning back into my kitchen and that helps.

I'll keep you posted on progress.

Perspective

2009-05-28T08:28:00.000-07:00

There are days when it feels like everything is weighing down on me. When Leila wants to play play play and whines and mopes when I stop. Alena wants to be help All. The. Time. Milo wants me to throw the ball, take her for a run, scratch her belly and Steve wants his uniform clean and wrinkle free and a lunch box packed and enough energy at 8:00 to give a bj and I'm left wondering what the hell I'm doing, if I'm doing anything for anyone, or if I'm always falling a little short. I yell at the kids and I snap at Steve and I kick the dog on her way outside and I think, "None of you even see me beyond someone who gets you things. None of you appreciate all the work I do. I don't matter."

I read once, in one of my parenting books, that the stay at home mom's self-esteem suffers in quiet, indescribable ways. And god, it's so true. I clean the kitchen three times a day, after every meal. There are innumerable loads of laundry to be done. It just never ends.

It's been a struggle for me, to keep a sense of self outside of being a mom. I watched a stupid video on YouTube yesterday making fun of pregnant women and I got angry, because those women are the smug ones. Why do we always do this to each other? Women with children think they have it harder because the work never ends. Single women think they have it harder because there's no one to come home to. Working moms do twice the work (at least) that anyone should and it seems like none of us are able to look beyond our own troubles to relate to others.

A friend I have (have had forever) is struggling. She told me I wasn't there in her darkest hour. I told her I was sorry. And then there were guy troubles and a death and she wouldn't answer my calls for weeks on end. I don't know what to do, quite frankly. I know she's in a dark place, a place she feels I can't understand because I've never been there. So do I give space, like she said she wants? And how far should that space go? Until the distance is so far that the feeling of me not having been there for her is all that's left, because I let myself get pushed away? Should I push my way back in? And if so, how do I do that when she hasn't answered the my calls in months. Even if it's a scheduled phone date, she hasn't talked to me in months. And only returned half my texts and emails. Yes, she reads this (still, I think) and no this isn't a passive-aggressive way of telling her how I feel, this is me reaching for advice if maybe someone has been there.

I don't think I'm better in any way than anyone else. I don't think my life has more meaning because I'm a mother. I'm walking in the dark, as much as any other woman. My days aren't harder, they aren't longer. I'm beyond blessed to have my children and my husband. But I don't assume that this is what everyone wants, or should try for. Sure I have crappy days and evenings where I can't help but eat a whole bag of chips or sit in the tub and cry. And yes, I have days that go beyond happiness, where my children smile at me and giggle as they splash in the tub, or crawl over and climb up my arm to nuzzle a soft head in my neck for a moment. I'm exhausted all the time, I'm looking forward to some time away, and I'm very much looking forward to going back to school and getting out of the house for a couple days a week. But I'm also happy. I'm finally at a place where I feel like my life is on track, not sidelined for a couple years until the kids get bigger.

How do I end this now? I'm headed back to WW on Tuesday, as much for an hour out of the house once a week, although I do need help keeping on track. And I've decided to run another half marathon, either in September (in Ottawa) or in October (here in NS). Steve and I are struggling some days, to get used to this new job and longer hours and we argue more lately and have less sex lately, and I'm trying to work on that too. I feel lost a lot, and that I'm not sure how to be the best mom/wife/friend I can be (although I'm realizing that part of the equation is not being a full-time SAHM). And so that's my life lately. I haven't been posting much more than pictures, because I don't want to look back on this time and remember only the tired complaints, all I want to remember is the happy moments.

Conversations

2009-05-27T09:24:00.000-07:00

Leila: At the gym daycare today there were SO MANY pictures and I looked at them and guess what I saw? A GUINEA PIG!
Me: Oh wow, really?
Leila: Yeah and the other girl said she really loves guinea pigs so I said I love them too!... Do YOU love guinea pigs, Mom?
Me: Well, they're alright.
Leila: But they don't bite, you know.
Me: No, they don't bite.
Leila: where do they LIVE?
Me: Uhhh..... sometimes in a cage.

***
Leila: You know my birthday's in June, right?
Me: That's right!
Leila: And you know I'm going to be *this* many right? (holds up three fingers)
Me: Yup, you will!
Leila: And then... (holds up four) AND THEN... (holds up five) and at THIS MANY (five) I'm gonna go to kool (school) on the kool BUSSS!!!!!!
Me: I know!
Leila: But you can't come! It's just for kids!
Me: I know
Leila: Don't be sad, Mommy. I'll come home after.

***
Me: Heyyyyy!!!
Alena: NAH!!!
Me: Where's Mommy's nose?
Alena: NAHHHH!!!!!!
Me: Where is my nose?!
Alena: NNNNNNNAAAAAHHHHHH
Me: Here it is! (point to my nose)
Alena: NAH (sticks her finger up my nose)
Me: ....
Alena: DADADADADADAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: Dada's at work, can you say Mama? MA-MA! MA-MA! MA-MA!
Alena: DAAAAAAHHHHHHHNAH phhhhhfffffrrrrrllll *BURP*
Me: sigh

One Year

2009-05-26T08:42:00.000-07:00

Today has been gingerbread cookies for morning snack and a cupcake onesie and a visit from Nan and Grandad and the usual 12:10 pre-nap double meltdown and I just can't believe my baby is one.
More later, with pictures, but I have a cake to ice!

Lacking Motivation

2009-05-22T16:28:00.000-07:00

I am planning on a 10k run in a month and I'm am seriously lacking motivation.

Maybe it's because I've achieved so many personal bests already this year that I'm slightly nervous of a crappy time/run. Maybe it's because of the lack of time I seem to have. Maybe it's because I haven't been running near the amount I like/want to. But the fact remains that I'm back to the place where I snack on cookies, only work out two times a week and complain about how my pants are suddenly and mysteriously tight.

I wish there was a Motivation button somewhere. I wish I had more time. I wish training for a race was easier. I keep trying to figure out why I'm not interested in running. But I already know the answer. I'm not interested because I'm not doing it. The less I do it, the harder it is.

I never work out more than four times a week. I can have the best of best intentions, but it just doesn't happen. So I'm cutting out the Saturday morning kick-boxing class and will (starting tomorrow) run Monday, Thursday and Saturday and do my strength training class on Wednesdays. And one run will be speed training (grooooaaaaaannnnn I HATE speed training: why? because it's hard).

This will happen. The motivation button has been pressed.

Nothing New

2009-05-21T08:52:00.000-07:00

I haven't been posting anything much lately. The days are running together, quite frankly. Leila has a cold that's dragging her down, Alena is teething (four in two weeks) and inbetween there was the race, a family dinner, evenings with Steve, watching the girls grow too fast, trying to tame the gardens in our yard, continuing work on the basement, never getting enough time to do my school work for my online class and stumbling across a babysitter in the 13 year old girl who lives next door.

The girls are good, life is good, I'm not running as much as I want, but have a race in 4 weeks so will make a promise of three runs a week to myself. I'm busy and tired every night, there is a constant stream of bills, laundry, whiny kids, feelings of just not being able to do it all, that I never manage to give everyone what they need. Some days I'm ready to pull out my hair and others pass much too quickly.

I have a dr's appt on Wednesday to figure out why I'm not having periods and Alena's one year check. Her birthday's on Tuesday and Leila thinks I should make a carrot cake because Alena really likes carrots. We're going to buy a double bike trailer/stroller (one of the convertable ones) and I'm really excited about that and have visions of cutting way back on vehicle use as our grocery store/gym/library (all at the same plaza) are only about 4kms away.

Today the sun is shining, the UV is extremely, I'm wearing shorts and a tank top and when the girls wake up from nap, we'll be headed to the park.

Two Years

2009-05-19T03:49:00.001-07:00

Dear Steve,

Two years ago today I was busy getting makeup and nails done. I was stressed out about what flowers didn't arrive, who hadn't RSVP'd and how much beer you'd drank the night before. You went out for breakfast with your friends and I wished I could go to, just to relax.

Fast forward a few hours. I was there in my white dress, having arrived in a limo. The church was full, the organ was playing and I took my dad's arm and we walked through the door together and then I saw you and all the stress and nerves went away as you smiled at me and I knew that to you, I was the most beautiful woman you had ever seen.

That's how you've always made me feel. You make my life better, you make me better. You motivate me to push beyond my limits. When I get upset, you hold me and then you make a solution. Because you're so not a "cry about it" kind of guy, you're a problem solver. You think outside the box.

After the loads of laundry and the cooking of meals and the cranky kids at four o'clock, you come in the door with a ray of sunshine. The girls are happier, I'm happier, the dog goes crazy. You have a gift of knowing how to talk to people to make them the best they can be, and that is reflected in how your children love you (and oddly enough never yell and whine at you the way they do at me).

So here's to us, baby. And here's to eighty more years.

Yesterday

2009-05-15T04:12:00.000-07:00

There's nothing to say, really. The days are long and often start much too early. There are moments when I'm completely exasperated and yelling at the kids, when it feels like all I do is make beds and pick up after people who don't appreciate it or even see me.

But more importantly, there are moments that are beautiful, sweet, when I wish I could freeze time. So I try to capture them. They're the important ones, anyway.

Just Because

2009-05-13T08:35:00.001-07:00

Teeth

2009-05-12T09:51:00.000-07:00

Alena got her two bottom teeth in January, or alte December. It's been a veritable stream of drool and cranky days (off an on obviously) since then with nothing to show. Then last week: number three! Yesterday I saw number four raised and white under the gum. This morning the two top front ones are dangerously close to breaking through.

I'm due for a period (so say my pills) next weeks. I started Yasm1n this month. I've been exhausted, cranky with very bad headaches most days. But there was a stomach bug through that time and a really bad hangover. Yesterday I had killer cramps, along my right side. The deep stabbing ones, you know? That go through into your back and down your legs. I feel like I'm going to have a period, but who knows.

A brief history:
August 2005: I got pregnant with Leila after missing about half a month's worth of pills
June 2006: gave birth
June 2007: still no period, and started many blood tests and ultrasounds
August 2007: no period but got pregnant with Alena (we hadn't been using protection for a couple of months)
May 2008: gave birth
May 2009: here we are again

There were various surmises during that time (PCOS, random amenorrhea, harmless cysts). My GP told me unless my concern was pregnancy there was nothing to do but to wait for my referral for the OBGYN to go through. During my pregnancy, I talked to the OB about it and she told me PCOS was not a gynecological condition, despite the fact that it's relating to your ovaries.

My mom is officially on my case about getting a doctor (ha HA!). While I'm looking I wonder if I should head to a naturopath? My family's history of cancer is extensive and obviously not menstrating increases the risks of all those fun things. Alena's 12 months in a couple weeks and I first ovulated after Leila was born when she was 15 months (AMAZING we conceived!) so I wonder if things will magically sort themselves out once she reaches 15 months or so.

I don't want to head down the same road again, where no one cares about it except me and I'm left stressing about ovarian cancer. I don't want to get pregnant, but I feel that menstruation is more than an opportunity to conceive, it's an important function in a woman's body and when that's not working, surely it's indicative of something? Even is that something is minor.

Anyway, on the mom front: Leila fell down the stairs this morning and is sporting a nice red bump on her cheek; Steve is away for three days (welcome to corporate life); and I'm having my parents and brother over for a carbo-loading dinner Saturday night before the Bluenose Marathon (http://www.bluenosemarathon.com/en/) in which Dad and Steve are running the 10k and Mom is run/walking the 5k. I'm cheering with the girls on the sidelines because I've lost all running mojo since my half in February and hoping that the race buzz will give me the push needed to run next month in another 10k.

This afternoon I'll be making lentil soup, tuna casserole and taking the girls to the park and possibly to get outlet covers because child-proofing is proving to be a more important task with Alena that it was with Leila.

I'm the lucky one

2009-05-10T09:43:00.000-07:00

I rolled over this morning as Alena hollered from her crib, "yaaaaayaaaaaaadadadadada!" knowing Steve would get up. I chuckled to myself as I heard Leila start her chattering two seconds after waking up.

An hour later, I lazily opened my eyes and looked out the sunny window (we don't have blinds yet) and wondered what time it was and why the house was so quiet. I closed them again until I heard, "Mommy!" and rolled over to find both girls on the bed, Leila holding a card she had scribbled on and already opened for me. "Come see!" she said, "We made you a surprise!"

Strawberry shortcake she had put together herself, crepes and fresh fruit. And then Alena's nap, Leila's cartoons, my tea and Steve's coffee in front of the fire. A lazy decision to go for a run.

The salty mist, the dog happily wagging her tail, the quiet of the morning streets and then the shouting from a local soccer field. Up the long hill and then home, panting as I walked inside, hearing the squeals of giggles coming from upstairs. Stretching, a few quick crunches, a shower and then, "Quick momm! We're going on a journey!"

Into the wagon, up the road, load Alena into the backpack and into the woods. Walk for an hour, home again, lunch, naps for the girls, sweet love making and then sleep for us.

You see, all Mother's Day is, is another day for me to realize that I'm the lucky one.

Mother's Day Wish

2009-05-08T09:22:00.000-07:00

Mother's Day is Sunday and last night Steve asked me what I wanted if I could have anything in the world. I told him that my perfect day would be spent with just the four of us, a relaxing morning with cartoons and coffee while Alena napped, maybe a walk to the park with the dog, play around the yard. No working on the basement, no rushing around like we've been doing for the past... forever.

He hired a house cleaner for four hours this morning. So my house is, in a word, spotless. She scrubbed behind the toilets and cleaned the top of the fridge. He told me he wouldn't work on the basement on Sunday and now that the house is clean, here comes my wish.

I'm so lucky to have my family as it is. Healthy parents who are very involved in their children and grandchildren's lives, brothers who offer to babysit on Friday nights, a husband who tells me daily how much he appreciates me and how hard being a SAHM can be. I heard a friend slagging someone's wife the other day because she hands the dirty diapered baby over to her husband every time he comes home and Steve said, "it's hard, man, being home all day" and I was like damn straight that's my man!

It's All About You, Baby

2009-05-07T17:41:00.000-07:00

Leila is one of the smartest kids I've ever met. She's overly cautious and often lingers at the back of a big crowd. She hates having sticky or dirty hands, develops fears easily, never forgets things, and loves reading. Her imagination is constantly going, and when walking around, she usually has one or both hands clenched, because she's holding her "little girl's" hand. She buckles her little girl into her car seat, highchair, tucks her in bed.

She panics easily and wants to know what we're going to do each day the night before. She doesn't deal well with unexpected change or surprise visitors that she doesn't know. If you try to correct her pronunciation or encourage her to do things she finds hard (like jumping) she just won't. You can't push Leila, it makes her move backwards. I constantly tell her to do things when she's ready, to tell a story when she feels comfortable, to talk when she wants to. She asks me to let people know she's shy and that she'll talk a lot, but not before she feels comfortable.

And yet, she never stops talking. She loves grass and pulling weeds and picking blueberries. She adores her sister, talks her grandmother's ear off, prefers to get washed by the cloth that is a tiger because that's when I pretend the tiger is eating her belly and hands.

I try to encourage her to be a little more independent, to take three more bites off her spoon before I help her, to go into the reading group by herself, to go down the slide. But I want her to know I'm here, I'm always here, and if it isn't until next summer that we conquer slides, that's ok too.

I tell people she's shy at first and my mother balked, Leila? she said, shy?? Because that's so not who she is around people she knows and loves. She just needs more time than other kids to get used to a new routine.

As she was in her reading group at the library today, I absently picked up a book, The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child by Marti Olsen Laney and flipped through the pages. It's so her, to a tea. I hate to use labels on my kids, because they are, quite simply and wonderfully, themselves. No more or less quirky than any adult. Of course, I've worried about them being round pegs squeezed into square holes, because that's how our school system (and society?) works; there isn't little to no room for difference in learning style or ability (I think these are common concerns for parents). I started reading the book this afternoon when the girls went down for their nap and I think it will be helpful. Because trying to find the balance between pushing and sheltering can be hard.

I have a friend with two young kids, and while they all played well together, I couldn't help but notice how Leila would sit and watch while they bounced on the couch or ran to their rooms, just waiting for them to come back to the game of dolls or cars or whatever. And I wondered if it was the difference of parenting styles, because I hover and am, admittedly, quite overprotective. I thought I should let Leila have a longer leash, so she wouldn't be so quick to run to me at the slightest bump.

Someone asked me a couple of weeks ago if we had ever considered having Leila tested for being a gifted child. I smiled and said she's really quite bright. There's no doubt in my mind that Leila's smarter than the average bear, but I think testing a child as young as her is a waste of time. Steve and I know how smart she is and we nurture that, why put the pressure of the label "gifted" on her?

I'm not really sure where I'm going with this, other than the fact that I've been writing so much about Alena's developments lately (crawling! teething! stubbornness!) and not about Leila's.

I see now, as we head into our third year together, my third year as a mom, that the complexities will never end. Leila has always been this ray of light in my life, from the moment I first realized her heart was beating inside of me. She came, completely unexpected, into my life, an angel, I have no doubt. The way the light dances in her eyes as she smiles up at me, or inches closer with a whispered I love you. She's my heart, my firstborn. She strolled into our bedroom this morning and watched us in bed. Steve asked her if she wanted to come cuddle and she said, I'm going to go over to Mommy's side. So I lifted her in beside me and wrapped my arms around her. I opened my eyes a few minutes later and looked directly into her somber, big blue eyes and she said Did you have a good sleep?

And that's Leila. The best little kid I've ever met.